An Open Letter to All Couples on Valentine's Day
Dear Lovers, Today is Valentine’s Day, our culture’s celebration of the countless incarnations of human affection: whether the stability of a marriage or the torridity of an affair, the unbridled passion of the young or the steadfast commitment of the aged, the profound and unparalleled harmony of soulmates or the innocent infatuation of schoolchildren. On this day, couples just like...
Mindlessly dragging a finger around the rim of his beverage, an enormous hollow pineapple containing a pleasantly disproportionate mixture of fruit juice and tequila, Maxwell Conlin attempted forget his romantic misfortunes by studying the glistening body of a local Adonis sprawled beachside not fifty feet away. Sexual fantasy had often proved a reliable distraction from more disagreeable...
All I Want for Christmas
Dear Santa, It is only recently that I have come to realize that you are not, as is widely believed, a benevolent purveyor of seasonal cheer, but a vindictive, merciless despot, who keeps the neck of humanity crushed under your reindeer-excrement-encrusted boot in a bitter, wintry tyranny. Like the meager provisions supplied by third-world governments to their starving populations, your toys...